politics, humor

5.27.21 - I Read the News Today; Oh, Boy.

A look at the day's news in Central Pennsylvania, with swear-words.

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5.27.21 - I Read the News Today; Oh Boy.

HEADLINE: LIMITS ON WOLF’S DISASTER AUTHORITY ADVANCE IN HOUSE

From the Associated Press, it turns out the crazy republicans didn’t even wait for the election to be certified to start whittling away Governor Wolf’s powers.

“The people’s voices were heard loud and clear,” said State Government Committee Chair, Rep. Seth Grove, R, of York.

No. I disagree. No they did not. The measure passed with 8% of Pennsylvanians voting for it and 7% voting against it. A regular landslide.

This is because our brave republican heroes, butt-hurt from the inconvenience of mask-wearing in a pandemic, AMENDED THE CONSTITUTION in a low-turnout, off-year primary election where they knew nobody would turn out to vote.

So, rather than having one governor making decisions in a crisis, you get 253 local, gerrymandered yo-hos, fussing about it. You’re welcome, Pennsylvania!

Fun fact: Pennsylvania has the second largest state legislature in America. The largest if you consider “full-time” legislatures. How a state needs THAT many of these clowns is difficult to understand. We PAY them. With taxpayer MONEY. It’s insane.

So no, the people’s voices were not heard loud and clear.

The measure also stops no-bid contracting during a crisis. Because, you know, during a Three-Mile-Island melt-down, you wanna take your time and put out bids in the name of fiscal sense before you can go ahead and FIX REACTOR #3.

The measure also requires those on unemployment to seek work. So, yeah, all you seasonal construction guys who are down four months of the year collecting? Ya better phone McDonalds.

The measure also ends social distancing mitigation rules because, apparently, republicans think this is why nobody will have sex with them.

These measures were brought to you by Kerry Benninghoff of Centre County.



HEADLINE: BILLS WOULD RESTRICT ABORTION / EXPAND GUN RIGHTS

I love irony. Pro-life shooters. Life is sacred until you are born.

We in Pennsylvania wanna be just like Texas. Except with rain. As if anyone has come to take your guns. Ever. In your lifetime. As if this is a thing.

Listen: Background checks and permitting are good controls on gun ownership. Trying to soften up Pa. laws as if this is the wild west is gonna get people, including cops, hurt. In fact, some of these red-flag laws I’ve heard about could really make an impact. If someone like a teacher, or police officer, or mental health counselor suggest a red flag, meaning the individual would have some barriers to gun ownership, imagine how many Columbines, Sandy Hooks and Parklands could be avoided.

All of my second amendment friends are for background checks, for responsible ownership and for training.

Further, the 25 year federal ban on studying gun violence has been recently lifted so that we can understand the problems better in order to craft laws that CAN keep guns out of bad guys’ hands.

In the same light, it would be nice to have someone helming the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms, which republicans and the NRA have managed to keep vacant for most of fifteen years, so that such studies and enforcement could actually take place.

Pennsylvania’s brave republican state legislature also wants to adopt the new Texas abortion law that would make abortion after six weeks illegal. Never mind that many women might not know they’re pregnant at six weeks. The watered-down law would allow exceptions for risk to the life of the mother. But don’t worry, rape and incest victims will still have to make that baby.

Abortions will still be available to the rich.

Currently, it is legal in Pennsylvania to get an abortion up to 24 weeks. But give ‘em time. Our brave republicans will fix it…

You’d think they’d fix themselves and eliminate the problem altogether. So they could gobble down as much viagra as they like and still be un-fuckable.



HEADLINE: 8 DEAD IN RAILYARD NEAR SAN JOSE

I will just leave that one there. You can tune into the horror show on the evening news.



And one to grow on:
HEADLINE: MAN ARRESTED IN ROAD RAGE INCIDENT

A 36 year old meth-head rammed a 60 year old woman’s vehicle in a Long John Silvers parking lot causing her car to roll onto its roof. The man then went up to her and started punching her. He told police he mistook her for his ex-fiancee.

I want an interview with the ex-fiancee.



That’s the news for today. You’re welcome.

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